The true meaning of bisexuality.
As a proud bisexual woman, I have taken it upon myself to explain to non-bisexuals why bisexuals have reason to feel valued when they speak publicly about their sexuality. Just as any other member of the LGBQT2S+ community should be acknowledged for proudly and unapologetically announcing themselves amongst a potentially unaccepting crowd, so should bisexuals.
I am suggesting that we do not typically receive this type of recognition. This article will therefore illuminate some of the reasons why this might be so, and why we otherwise deserve it.
I am writing solely on bisexuality because I have only experienced biphobic oppression as a queer, thus I only feel comfortable speaking about queer issues to this specific degree. I should also clarify that I am a white cisgender woman (who actually thinks of herself more as a genderqueer tomboy-queen bicon), so my words might resonate deeper with those who hold a similar identity.
Although my use of the word "we" might impel some doubts, I do not wish to speak for all bisexuals. I am simply a person who identifies proudly with their bisexual identity and is hurt by the fact that it is still so widely misunderstood and therefore misrepresented in both queer and straight communities.
I also love any chance I can get to shove my sexuality down people's throats - I mean - to put it mildly, I am concerned for the well-being of my fellow bisexuals as well as my fellow queers. So, as a bisexual queer, I feel inclined to share my reality with those who might have doubted or denied that we exist and face our own distinct set of challenges. Perhaps those same people will be inspired by this article to change the way they think and react to the topic of gender and sexuality altogether.
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Since this article will contain some special terms that require a clear explanation, we are going to take advantage of some of the definitions that have already been laid out by bisexual writer and activist Sheiri Eisner in her helpful (and slightly radical) book, “Bi: Notes for a bisexual revolution.“
I have already used the word "genderqueer", so we shall address its definition first. Eisner describes genderqueer as "a name for gender identities other than 'woman' or 'man'. For example, people who identify as both man and woman, neither man nor woman, fluid, third gender, etc. might identify as genderqueer." It is typically used interchangeably with the term nonbinary, but for the sake of consistency we'll stick with the former.
Genderqueer identity is crucial to understanding bisexuality because most people assume that bisexuality is an exclusively split attraction to men and women and that's that. Although this is a valid way to use the term, it is arguably inadequate.
It is inadequate because despite it being an acceptable definition in a very particular and limited use of the term, it is technically incomplete; it unfortunately lacks the key piece of information that people do exist outside and beyond the strict gender binary of man and woman.
By then properly encompassing this vital fact, Esner gives us a fabulous definition of bisexuality, referring to it as a term of multiplicity. She states, "I use the word 'bisexual' as an umbrella term, including anyone attracted to people of more than one gender, who identifies as bisexual, pansexual, fluid, queer, heteroflexible, homoflexible, or any other bi-spectrum identify, and who considers herself part of the bisexual movement/community."
Thus bisexuality is open but not limited to the possibility of being attracted to people of all genders, including non-gender and genderqueer identifying folk.
Isn't bisexuality just a less inclusive version of pansexuality?
You might be thinking that bisexuality sounds a lot like pansexuality - because it is. However, pansexuality only appears to be more inclusive in the sense that it mainly functions as a queer label that outwardly rejects the gender binary in a more apparent way.
Yet if we exhibit bisexuality as an umbrella term that encompasses potential attraction to all genders and non-genders alike, we can see how it is just as inclusive.
The main difference is that many pansexuals often claim to be indifferent to gender or are themselves genderqueer. For those who attribute little or no significance to gender when it comes to their attraction to people, the well-known nature of pansexuality as a much more obvious critique of gender norms is going to be more appealing and personally useful to identify with.
Although bisexuality is similarly motivated, it is much more ambiguous and much less obvious. Usually defined as "liking girls and guys", the word has no choice but to remain attached to its polarizing origins. As a result, its refined meaning which focuses on the progress of gender-queerness, as well as the tricky process of self-identification and acceptance, is overlooked.
For example, it can include those who are bicurious and temporarily choosing to identify as bisexual in order to better understand themselves. Consequently, since modern bisexuality welcomes bicurious people with open arms, non-bisexuals are quick to assume that anyone claiming to be bisexual in a public place is probably not really bisexual.
In the eyes of other queers, we might not be queer enough. In the eyes of many, we are confused and/or going through a phase. Either way, we are commonly perceived as straight people pretending to be gay, or - god forbid - sexually confused.
The point is that non-bisexuals tend to misinterpret what some might call the most important part of its name, that being the "bi", meaning two; not limited to the idea of only two genders, but rather two categories of identities - referring to the attraction to those who either identify similar or the same to ones own, or different to one's own identity.
It is in this sense that choosing to publicly identify as bisexual may be understood as an often discouraging thing to do, since many bisexuals internalize the way in which both queer and straight people often refuse to challenge the old-school definition of bisexuality, therefore belittling or completely rejecting it as a valid identity.
If my readers take anything from this article, it should be that bisexuality naturally challenges the gender binary all while constantly being at risk of being misunderstood as a threat to straight, gay, genderqueer, trans and other queer groups.
In other words, bisexuality is ironically mistaken as something that retracts the progress made by some queer communities, or as something that ignores the existence of genderqueer people and diminishes gay and lesbian progression.
A helpful video articulating the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality, as well as the overlapping similarities between other related identities.
Now, one might ask why anyone would identify as bisexual when pansexuality sounds so much less controversial. After all, if it is similar enough to the concept of bisexuality in terms of fluidity, why not promote this frank idea of love based on genderless attraction? Why not avoid the unnecessary task of defending its all-encompassing nature? Why be so annoying? Why?
One plausible answer for why some people feel more inclined to identify with bisexuality as opposed to pansexuality (or even exclusively with queerness) might be that it comes down to just that: a feeling of preference.
My choice to be a proud bisexual woman is motivated partially by the attractive ambiguous and complicated nature of the label. Not only is it extremely sympathetic to the complexity of gender and identity, the term also supports sexual curiosity - and each of these topics encourages further discussions to be had regarding sex, gender, race and other related topics. It is a term that celebrates the ridiculously complicated nature of, um, the more fervid human beings that you can find on planet earth.
Even so, my choice to identify with bisexuality is not due merely to the appeal of complex existential phenomena. And although I choose to feel pride in the very fact that I am a sexual being who is, once again, "attracted to people of more than one gender", I also have a very personal connection to the word itself.
Let's get personal: Why I choose to identify as bisexual.
I spent much of my childhood presenting myself as what I thought to be masculine through my clothing. I was often flattered when mistaken for a boy because I was fed sexist ideals that made the idea of femininity something less desirable to me. I would cautiously avoid anything that suggested I was too "girly" so as not to be mistaken for weak.
In some ways, I wished I was a boy. Yet even at such a young age I had an understanding of gender as something that is partly performative - which meant that as a hammy little girl I knew I could be androgynous without being bullied. I was also very lucky that my parents encouraged me to dress however I liked. Thus I felt extremely comfortable identifying simultaneously as a girl because I still had control over the way I felt I was being perceived. Needless to say I enjoyed being "different" than most of the boys or girls I knew.
I grew older and things started to change. A boy would tell me he like-liked me, and I knew that I like-liked him too. Then, at around the age of ten, (probably even sooner,) I started noticing that I had these indistinguishable feelings for some of the girls in my class despite having been raised to think that such a thing could never be possible.
Not too long after I realized that I felt the same toward some girls as some boys, the controversial show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" started playing regularly on MTV. Though widely inappropriate for my age, it helped to validate these new feelings. For the first time in my life I saw a girl who showed that they could be just as happy with a girlfriend as they could be with a boyfriend.
In my mind, I had been introduced to a popular (which I thought meant that it was equally accepted) word that represented how different people could give me butterflies. It also let me appreciate my perceived masculine and feminine sides. This was a big deal for me since, despite my fluid tendencies, the concept of genderqueer was not something I was yet aware of.
I was 11 years old when I first came out as bisexual. I had no idea (despite the inappropriate means by which I learnt about its existence) that most people understood bisexuality as a kind of myth or sexual fetish. I was forced to reevaluate my feelings that I had thought I was so certain about. The classic "it's a phase" response from close family members was the first to trigger feelings of internalized biphobia.
I was told over and over again that bisexuality isn't real. You were either straight or gay. So I started to believe that my feelings were not real. I knew that I was a girl and that I liked boys first, so this is what I would stick with.
Brainwashed into thinking that I was condemned to sexual confusion for the rest of my life, I took on the impossible task of trying to convince myself that I was straight. I blamed my early sexual experiences with girls on my freedom to "experiment", and for the next ten years I attempted to reassure myself that any feelings I had toward girls were due solely to my growing sex drive as a young adult.
I would shame myself until everything I felt could be ignored and eventually suppressed. The shame, of course, only worsened. I became extremely defensive when people assumed that I was gay, thereby causing me to outwardly project my internalized biphobia.
Luckily, during a school year abroad, I met another young woman who proudly identified with bisexuality - a proud futch, if you will. She was extremely empathetic to my situation and admirably patient with my display of ignorance. She introduced me to a different vocabulary and helped me get comfortable with my true queer identity; as someone who likes persons both similar to and different than myself.
As a bisexual. Heck yeah.
So you're queer - but aren't you just being contentious by claiming a bisexual identity?
A crucial feature of my very being (precisely me being bisexual) naturally precipitates accusations that I am a person who only claims to be proud of her sexuality in order to perpetuate conflict within the queer community. Although it is common for members of any group to both intentionally and unintentionally subjugate each other, bisexual people are faulted with the intention of discounting other queers to the point of harm.
Trying to simply exist in a space where you are perceived as an agitator without merit is not ideal - nor is the effort mandatory. Had I not been introduced to bisexual identity at such a young age to have it taken away immediately after, I might have chosen a different identity to express myself with. Pansexuality would most likely appear to be better suited to my early conception of love and I probably wouldn't bother to educate myself on bisexuality given its stigmatization.
However, due to my strong connection with the term and how it initially made me feel secure before experiencing biphobia, I wanted nothing more than to take back that crucial part of my life.
After being told over and over again that my bisexual feelings were nothing more than projections of an internalized desire to receive attention from straight men (or anyone for that matter), I chose to reclaim my feelings.
And so now I choose to celebrate my ability to share deep connections with all kinds of people. At first, this was extremely difficult to do. Upon officially coming out I was met with some similar rejections I faced when I was 11, this time from both straight and gay people. I had one queer person respond directly to my coming out by advising that I ought to use a different word, that I should probably reconsider my own identity.
I also once had a gay man roll his eyes and contend that "going bi" in particular "is a trend now", implying that I actively identify as bisexual solely as a means to receive attention, and then return to passing as straight when it works in my favour. I hadn't the confidence to inform him that this notion of passing actually causes great distress for many bisexuals since we more or less aspire to be seen as what we truly are - that is, definitely not straight.
Others tend to jump on the myth of hyper-sexuality. I have been asked totally ridiculous and offensive questions about my personal relations immediately after revealing my sexuality, mainly ensuing that being bisexual is not an authentic form of being like gay or lesbian is. Rather, it is a form of entertainment produced for the heteronormative masses.
I have also been asked to "prove" my sexuality in this way, further suggesting that to be a "real" bisexual, you must be constantly engaging in sexual relations with different people from each end of the gender binary. I have had long periods of time during which I needed to persistently remind myself that a person's sexuality is not defined by who or how many people from group x as apposed to group y they choose to have sex with.
[My favourite, however, is this: After somehow being exposed to my sexuality, my current partner's mother warned him that I will leave him for a woman - and this is before ever having met me. To prove how corrupt my perception of my own sexuality is, I'll admit that this remark didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. I mean, she basically admitted that she believes in bisexuality (yay!). Unfortunately, this belief is so deeply rooted in a biphobic patch of misunderstanding (boo!) that I doubt I'll ever get the chance to try to convince her that I'm not that kind of slut. What really threw me off was her concern that I might brainwash her son. It's like, come on, lady! If queer brainwashing were really that easy, the world would have, like, much better taste. Everyone's pants would be cuffed to the knee!]
Most likely every bisexual has been assigned the same stereotypes and assumptions, and shared similar experiences. Luckily, my friends have always been there for me and eventually my skin grew thick enough to deal with the constant projections of misunderstanding.
The ineluctability of bisexual shame, or, the burden of being bi.
Officially coming out as a bisexual woman did not automatically relieve the shame that had been drilled into my head for a decade, nor did coming out completely rid me of my internalized biphobia. Only quite recently have I become confident enough to deliberately announce my bi-queerness.
Indeed, there are still times that I feel apprehensive to bring up my sexuality around certain people in fear of being disregarded or perceived as a threat. The same goes for bringing up the gender of one's partner as an outed bisexual. Being in a seemingly "straight" relationship can make it that much more difficult to feel supported by others. Since many bisexuals happen to be in relationships that appear to be heteronormative and therefore complacent with oppressive patriarchal traditions of love, we commonly feel excluded from queer life despite the fact that we are still totally queer. Thus it is typical for bisexuals to feel guilty for simply loving an other person who mainstream society might deem normal for them to love, despite their ultimate potentiality to love, well, anyone.
A reason to celebrate!
It can be hard not to feel hurt by the biphobic tendencies of some people who refuse to, at the very least, try to comprehend the not-so-complicated complex nature of bisexuality. Thus bisexuals and our allies must remind ourselves and others that bisexuality is just as real as any other celebrated identity, and so that it should be celebrated just as enthusiastically!
Also, not only that it is real, but that it is extremely inclusive. You can be genderqueer and bisexual, pansexual and bisexual, trans and bisexual, confused and bisexual, and so on. It is for this reason that I will try my hardest to continue identifying as a proud bisexual queer whenever the opportunity presents itself; to prove that we are not going to assimilate and "pick a side", and to prove that I shouldn't have to prove that I am real in the first place.
So, to the insecure bisexuals and the bisexuals who have yet to come out, please do not feel bad for feeling bad. To my fellow prideful bisexuals, be proud of yourself for being proud. To the non-bisexuals, you can be proud of us too. After all, we appreciate you no matter how you choose to identify.
This pretty much sums it up.
A few helpful links for bisexuals/queers who have yet to come out:
If you are looking for a safe and inclusive bisexual/queer community full of fun conversations driven by literary inspirations, please check out my favourite reading club, Books Bi Queers!
We hold monthly virtual meetings where we talk about the super queer books we read with other super queers. Everyone and anyone is encouraged to join!
We ask for donations from straight people each month so that our queer members don't have to buy books. You can donate to our PayPal or send an e-transfer to booksbiqueers@gmail.com if you're interested in helping out. Any amount is greatly appreciated! Our Black, Trans and Indigenous members are always prioritized and never have to pay.
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